Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Middle East Sumit

I know, the last few posts are diverted from my main topic.

Just that some of the conversations have been so Extreme I couldn't clean them up enough to post them.

I mean, when a woman mentions that she (THINGS I SHOULDNT PRINT HERE) with (SOMEONE), I mean, really, I'll just be out with her waiting for that to happen.

So in the news lately, Iran called for their little "The Holocaust and other things we think didn't happen" meeting.
Just so happened I got a copy of the agenda! (No, Not really, I believe the real agenda was much sillier.)

Day 1

7:30 - 8:00 Continental Breakfast

8:00 - 9:30 Lies of the Western World

9:30-10:45 The Moon Landing - America's Greatest Lie

10:45-11:00 Break

11:00 - 12:30 Lunch (Tin foil hat optional) Raffle Tickets will be available

12:30 - 3:00 Round Table Discussion - Area 51 - Is that where the USA filmed the Holocaust?

3:00 - 5:00 Round Table Discussion - How to take back control of the world -Mel Gipson, guest speaker.

Day 2

7:30 - 8:00 Continental Breakfast

8:00 - 12:00 Golf Outing

8:00 - 12:00 Think Tank on new ways to hate other people (for those not golfing)

12:00 - 1:30 Lunch, Michael Richaards, Keynote Speaker, Raffle Tickets will be available

1:30 - 3:00 Retirement Options for Suicide Bombers (401k or Annuity?)

3:00 - 4:00 Demonstration of new weapons, come try one on yourself!

4:00 - 5:00 Building a Website for exposing the lies

5:00 - 6:00 Raffle and Closing Speaker, Alan Achmed Silverstein, with his commentary, "How I hate myself, let me count the ways"

Now seriously, Never Again. And the fact that with all the evidence of the events, that the leaders of some major countrys want to deny it is just dumber than my post above.
And yes, names may have been changed to prevent some fool lawsuit.

The Wii as Weapon

After seeing the damage that people are doing to their homes, TVs, friends, loved ones, and themselves, I've come to realize that the Wii must be a secret Japanese weapon. It's no coincidence that it was launched a month before Dec. 7. Just look at the destruction this thing is causing. I'm glad that I can't get one, I don't want to risk my TV or my friends and furniture. Mark my words, the NSA must be investigating this sneak attack. It looks like nunchucks, flys like a ninja star, and breaks knees like an Italian enforcer. (But seriously, who plays in heels? Not me, not just because I'm a guy and don't wear heels, but I also don't have a Wii. Nintendo, if you want to send me a Wii, I'd play it one time in heels for a promo, if I get a free Wii. But I want one of the non-weapon models, I like my TV.)

Or is it just a ploy by Nintendo to drive sales of new televisions? If it was Sony, it would be obvious, because they even had some retailers tie Playstation3 pre-orders to big screen Sony Tv purchases.

It won't be long before we start seeing news stories where gangs of hoodlums are robbing people using the wii controller. "Don't make me do it man, and if you run, I can throw this at you!"

Now Best Buy is withholding their Wii inventory until Dec. 17th. To launch their last big weekend before xmas, or to partner with Nintendo in a massive Wii controller assault on America's familys and their televisions on Christmas?

Be ready America! Don't shoot until you see the whites of their controllers!

Thursday, August 24, 2006


Do you have involuntary facial reactions to things?
I've learned from several different women how to control my "That was the dumbest/silliest/ridiculous/insulting thing you ever said to me" face.
Not all my friends have.
Yvette and I spent the evening putting down the painter tape around the baseboards and trim for our friend that's moving into his new place this weekend, two of the women are going over tomorrow to paint the basement that we just taped up.
So we discussed the issue of "tape the ceiling edge or not"
And Veronica prefers to just use what I call the painters shield, a little metal/plastic edge that you put up at the top of the wall.
Deek has worked as a painter before and feels that true professionals can use a brush and not get paint on the ceiling.
I'm just hoping that of the 3 gallons that enough gets on the walls before they drip/spill/spatter the rest onto the floor/ceiling/each other.
So Deek comes in, sees the nice tape job and Yvette says:
"You need to go to the store tonight and get us a plastic thing so we can paint along the ceiling or more tape"
And Deek and I discussed those last night, so I interpreted: "The yellow plastic paint shield that was next to the painter tape"
And he makes a face involuntarily to convey once again "professionals use a brush"
Yvette sees him make it and responds: "If you're going to smirk like that, then you paint it. I don't need to do this, you can do it yourself Mister."
Deek: "I didn't smirk"
Me: "Well, you did make a little face, like a moue."
End result:
After we get pizza, Deek's on the way to the store for the paint shield.

And maybe tomorrow, lessons on how to control those involuntary facial expressions.

Zeb out.

Before the curb

Ok, so in discussing what should be done with the not-so-trophy girl, I suggested that he talk to her to make his position clear. That way if she wants to be a trophy girl, she'll understand that she needs to keep in shape, clean up around the house, eat well, and take care of herself so that she'll be shiny and new and he'll feel it's worth it to have her as a trophy girl.
I mean, sure, a pinto has a lot of pep and can look nice, but it's a pinto. Not a lot of those in the Woodward Dream Cruise.
Now if a girl wants to be a trophy, she needs to have curves like a Corvette, the Stingray editions.
Not an HHR. Sure, it's roomy and you can put a lot of junk in the trunk, but how would it handle on the dance floor?
(Wow, can I make my analogies any more confusing?)

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

TWS continues untreated

So my friend with the not-so-trophy girl that he's dating mentions that it's time to break it off.
And it's been a very short time since date 1.
She's lazy, doesn't want to work, and other reasons, that raise the concern that she could read this and identify herself, but suffice to say she has severe TWS.
Another example of TWS that needs severe treatment, like maybe I need to ask Congress to fund a national TWS counseling camp, get Arnold the Governator to be my spokesman, and campaign to save the children from the horrors of TWS. I mean, won't somebody think of the children? This will lead to more women getting married, no skills, then they have babies, then the guy realizes that she's not such a trophy anymore, and whammo, we're supporting those kids on public money. So please, if you know a woman like this, think of the children and intervene.
So she's mad at me and Deek because we're teasing her about painting the basement on our Deek's new house and then she ignores me when I try to show her something in the mega-store. *** (see below for why she was mad)

Her: "You wanted to show me something"
Me: "yes"
Her: "But I wasn't ignoring you, I'm not that mad at you, but I'm mad at Deek"
She looks at the table top barbecue unit (I mean really, BBQ ribs indoors, no fire, no standing with mosquitos!)
then we see a little grill like in our kitchen, but in black like Deek's new house,
And the demo is missing the dial knob
Her: "You could get it in black to match the kitchen counters"
Deek: "yea but I want one with a knob"
I say "Deek prefers the knob"
Her: "Yea, I'm starting to think that too."

Not that she has painted the basement yet, but that she was worried she might not do it well, so we made fun of how could you mess up painting walls?
I joked with the girl at the paint desk that we'd be back for an extra gallon after we spill one on the floor.
She made the following comment to the cashier: "If I screw this up, it will be on the news"
Which lead me to create headlines:
"Girl Spills Paint, Al Qaeda Declares War on House Painters"
"Girl Gets Paint on Carpet, Thousands Commit Mass Suicide at Sign of Apocalypse"
"Bad Paint Job Ruins U.S. Economy, Congressman Johnson Demands Investigation"
"Google announces Google:Paint, with Martha Stewart as spokeswoman"
"Woman gets paint on new shoes, runs screaming into street"
"Massive Traffic Jam Caused by Light Mauve Trim"
Which is why she was mad at me by the time we got to the second store.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Music Videos and Women

Friend and I were discussing how the women he's been dating lately suffer from TWS ("Trophy Wife Syndrome"). And the attractive ones aren't all that attractive, like as a trophy wife, they'd be more Honorable Mention or Participant trophys, not First Place or Grand Prize.
So we discuss how the homely, less attractive girls tend to be more career oriented, while those with TWS think that they don't need to work once they have a steady man, because they want to move in and just live off him. So I figure it's those damn music videos.

Stay with me.

Music videos don't show homely chicks in long pants with nasty hair and messed up teeth dancing with Busta. They show the hot chicks in thongs and bras getting gold, gems, a Lexus, and a big fancy house where Busta/Jay-Z/Shaq/Clay Aiken/Barry Manilow/Liberace.... Ok maybe not Liberace. But the hot girls in the video get it all. And the homely ones work the food cart behind the last trailer where the set painters eat lunch. (Those that aren't out of work due to file sharing pirates)

So now, the hot girls have been taught by 25 years of MTV that if you're good looking, some rapper/movie star/internet millionaire/Donald Trump/Manager of a Denny's will pick you up at some club, take you away from your miserable job at IHOP, and set you up in luxury as long as you don't sign that Pre-Nup and live in a community property state. SO you can divorce him after he finds that girl with THS (Trophy Ho Syndrome) and take half his stuff, half his future income, and drive around in his Lexus while you complain to your old girlfriends how hard it is for you to live on $250,000 a year and you're lawyer is going to get you more after you and your lawyer get back from that business trip to Cancun to "depose" the former maid that you paid under the table not to talk about what she saw you doing with the pool boy.

Where was I?

Oh yeah, TWS, so the cure for TWS is simple. Fathers need to dump reality on their daughters when they turn 16, no car unless you get a job, no cell phone unless you get a job, no victoria secret Pink lingerie unless you get a job. To cure TWS, we all need to teach the hot girls that they need to work in life if they want anything. So fellas, stop giving stuff to your TGS (trophy Girl Syndrome, not transgender sister, you can still send her stuff, I mean, really, who else would?).

So in summary, TWS is a real problem that thankfully has real solutions. America, we can overcome this global plague and end TWS in our lifetimes. Give now. Or, I mean, stop giving now. But they have to keep giving or they don't get given, or got. Hell, you know what I meant.

Zeb Out.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Joe vs. The Volcano

Actual conversation while watching "Joe vs. The Volcano"

Me: With all the movies Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan made, it's a surprise that they didn't end up together.
Her: I think she's pretty.
Me: Yea, Tom must be a jackass, that's got to be why Meg didn't think of him in the long term.
Her: Maybe she's the problem.
Me: Nah, she's pretty, and a guy will put up with a lot of crap from a pretty woman.
Her: You are such a pig. I don't know why I talk to you.

My thoughts on the matter: a guy really will put up with a lot of crap from a pretty woman.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Life sucks.

Me: You still mad at me?
Her: No. I can't stay mad at you It takes to long to train a new best friend.
Me: Can we discuss benefits?
Her: No. No benefits, the union gave them up in the last worker strike.

In the friend zone and no benefits. Life sucks.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Proof of Evolution in Action

Nope, not a post about the Darwin awards.

But I've realized something about evolution or intelligent design or whatever you think led to our current state of development.

Temperature. Body temperature to be exact.

See, I'm almost always comfortable, unless it's about 115 F or below about 20 F. Today it was 35 F and I went out several times in just office clothes, I mean after a few weeks in the teens and 20's, 35 F is almost HOT.

But a lot of times, women come up to me to warm their hands (or other body parts) on me. Because to them, I'm warm.

Think about it. The typical scenario has a girl putting her hands or feet on her man to warm them up because she is always colder than him. If the guys are comfortable, odds are the women think it's too cold in the room.

Which leads to the connection of evolution.

Before we had houses and electric blankets, we slept on the ground or in caves, or in the case of stranded tourists on a 3 hour tour, in hammocks.

Women were cold, and would snuggle up to a man to keep warm. The men got sex in return, leading to the next generation of people.

So men provide heat to the women, women provide enjoyment for the men, babies give science a reason to invent tylenol.

Think of it this way. If the situation is reversed, with men feeling cold all the time and women are comfortable in almost any temperature.

End of mankind in two to three generations. There is no way that government birthing programs could keep up with the current standards of reproduction. Or we'd become a society run by women with a few men kept as breeding stock.

Because women wouldn't need men anymore.

Women have careers now, pay their own bills, own houses, and vote. So other than for companionship and children, they don't really need us, except to keep their feet warm.

Hell, feminists already realized this 30 years ago. They aren't very good at getting out the message. If women didn't feel cold, they'd just have a girlfriend over for companionship, and we men would be sitting on the end of the couch shivering, because she wouldn't want our dirty cold feet on her.

So, proof of evolution/planned design. That women get cold and trade sex for the warmth of a man. I wonder if in the case of single gender relationships, if one partner typically feels warmer to the other. This may lead to a greater understanding of evolution in general. Maybe what really caused the end for cro-magnon man was warmer homo sapiens and all the cro-magnon women went to live in the homo sapien camps.

Darwin missed this important point, it's not survival of the fittest, it's survival of the warmest.

Mind readers

Women can read our minds.

Course it's simple, as Jeff Foxworthy said "Most men are thinking I'd like a beer and to see something naked"

I have a very close lady friend that has known me for many many years.

A recent conversation went:
Her: I know what you're thinking
Me: What am I thinking?
Her: You're thinking about my boobs.
Me: Right. Now what am I thinking?
Her: About wanting to have sex with me.
Me: Got me there. Now what?
Her: About wanting to have sex with that redhead over there.
Me: You should get a psychic hot line. Now what am I thinking?
Her: About wanting to have sex with me and that redhead together.
Me: This is uncanny. Now what?
Her: About wanting to have sex with me and that redhead together and we're... No, stop thinking that, it's not going to happen ever.

Yup, women can read our minds.